No one likes being confused. But what I discovered is that I’m fine with being confused. More specifically, I’m fine with having unanswered questions.
However, I’m not fine with feeling like I SHOULD NOT be questioning. I think the most difficult part about working through difficult questions is feeling like there should be no struggle at all, or that the struggle should be over already. My frustration does not come from not knowing, but from not having a supportive space to explore my questions. It’s feeling like that there is no space to question, no place where my questions are encouraged, and no place to explore.
This tiny, shrinking space for exploring my questions suffocates the mystery and wonder out of life. it also enforces this imaginary deadline to “get your act together” and “figure everything out”. Then after a few days, I would typically start to dread life, becoming tired of trying. I start avoiding life and anything that takes effort. Apathy becomes my best buddy. I eat a lot of cheese and everything else I don’t usually eat. I see people all around me, and I feel as lonely as ever. They live in the same environment as I do, why are they NOT overwhelmed? Me no understand. Are they enlightened or just also tired of trying?
Struggling through stuff becomes so much more bearable (any perhaps even enjoyable) when I know that it’s okay to questions and spend time with my questions. I just need to know that my questions – and the process of questioning – are valuable and are supported. Then, I could be ‘confused’ forever and still be sure of many things. I could be filled with questions yet still without a heavy burden, maintaining an excitement for life.